So am feeling pretty disconnected with things at the moment. Am definitely feeling very disconnected to my blog at the moment, it feels to overwhelming to try and put alot of the things into words sometimes. I suppose I would always only write once things had really built up and just need to come out.
Work is being a bit shit at the moment and well I just feel even more disconnected from actually wanting to do anything with my role there. Mostly because it has become a bit stagnant and that is out of my control. The one fairly good thing is that I have designed our intranet setup and it has been signed off and should be launched soon - well that is if i get time in my work day to actually perfect it. Not that I'm getting any time for it. But they are apparently kicking a little extra in my paycheck for it. But now they want me to design their full global corporate site and well that scares the shit out of me but could be a good opportunity to advance my skills and broaden myself. But i'm already burning out somewhat.
I've really been trying to turn around the things in my life i'm not happy about and I found a course that was specifically about self management of life with regards alot to living with long term conditions. It has been really hard to keep myself from getting too down about the pain I'm in and how weak I feel at the moment. I had a realization that I really DO NOT like to be perceived. It is very important to make sure that we do not concentrate our energy on how we think other people perceive and start to believe it. Also we must make sure that we control our own perception of ourselves.
Strangely enough the people in the course that i'm taking see me as a very together person that has amazing knowledge and things sorted. Well I must say that yes alot of the stuff on the course I've already looked at and researched etc but obviously I dont have it ALL together if I signed up and took this course. I have realised that I am alot better off then many people and I just amazingly lucky to have such a supportive partner, I know I didnt have one before and so hope that I can keep showing my appreciation for all the little things that mean the world to me. I hope to be much stronger in the future and to always provide just as much support the other way. Of course we dont have everything sorted but it is so good to have a great base and good communication to start with. So compared with the others my home is my sanctury and my protection. I do not have to rage battles (other then in my own head) inside the quiet that is home. This I'm so thankfully for.
But am still feeling disconnected. I feel disconnected with my body because of the pain and the medication that i'm putting into it. Thankfully I've stopped taking the one medication that was seriously disconnecting me from everything. I think this may all still be from that and it will get better the longer I'm off it. BUT am still settling into the other medication so am more sore at the moment. I think the lack of good sleep due to pain isnt helping either.
Am also disconnected from friends that are going through tough times at the moment. I've tried to be a bit influence in a situation/intervention with a friend that has worked thanks to the time and energy and emotion that my mom has put into it and plugging into some of the strong emotions i've been dealing with in regard to it all. She is finally for the first time in 11 years dealing with all the damage that has happened to her and that she has done to herself. It is amazing to hear the battle that she is going through and doing so well. I'm SO proud of her!!! But I still feel like a failure as a best friend for being so far away and so disconnected and so afraid of confrontation.
I'm also so unable to be there for another close friend who has just had to go through the death of her father which is just so scarily close to home and all that. I hope that she is surviving and that it gets easier for her. I wish sometimes that I wasnt so far away from my closest friends.
So other then all that I still have my wonderfully stable and understanding C ...who is my rock and I really dont know what I would do without. and so like my fellow blogger Benny I'm going to keep trying to focus on the positives....
My wonderful bf
Our random trip to another city just for the night to see a band (its a surprise ...so more laters)
Going back to Cape town for a holiday in like 3 and a bit weeks!!
Going to Namibia to best guy mates wedding on the beach !! WHOO HOO
Hanging out with the friends in Namibia and some climbing in Namibia
THE HEAT!! So hopefully not as painful joints!!
Bonus coming in next pay check
Didnt have to go grocery shopping this week because we just had our weekly shop delivered to our door tonight. yay! less hassle for me.
And it is nearly friday and then therefore nearly the weekend!! Double yay.
And that is it for now... going to try keep the happy positive thoughts going.
4 comments:
Your closest friends know you are with them in spirit, and are all looking forward to seeing you soon!
And let me know if you would like me to try get you an appointment with Senta when you're here. I know I've said it before, but I really am a strong believer that diet can help ease physical pain (as it definitely helps me). But it's something you have to want to do and go all the way with.
Oh my poor friend, I can really relate. People always think I'm so together or so emotionally in touch and I feel like saying - good LORD I'm falling apart at the seams.
I think being emotionally aware is very important and mature. Knowing that we'll always be a work in progress but that willingness to work on ourselves is what makes us special :)
Always remember: what other people say about you is none of your business!
I'm also having difficult times with my friends, but am doing my best to draw a distinction between what is their stuff and what is mine.
Looks like you have plenty to be excited about - be sure to take care of yourself and bring on the good times :)
Hey, I only saw this post now! I am so sorry to hear about all your pain, it is so hard to understand what it is like to have that all the time. It is just awful. I think that course sounds like a brilliant idea. I definitely don't have it together. I am all over the place. It sounds like you are learning good stuff! I hate other people's perceptions of me too.
@ Mish - thanks!! cant wait to see you too! Am def trying to work out the right balance of diet, meds etc. Thanks for the offer of an appt with Senta, but it is hard to maintain the changes that would be needed without follow up sessions. Will look into things here.
@ Benny - your comment was just perfect. I know that i've def been relating to your posts lately. We are def going through some strange times - lets hope it gets better. You hang in there and i'll do the same. Remember also to take your own advice because its some good stuff as all you wrote is true !
@po - I reckon that we are pretty close at getting what it is really like to live with pain. So we must have some advantage when we get past it or achieve a manageable and happy life. It is like we have travelled further and understood more about life. Well that is what I choose to tell myself. I feel very strongly that people def need to liberate themselves from other peoples perceptions so hopefully we'll learn to put that stuff out of our minds. The course is actually been great - even if it has been to push me more to sort life out.
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