Disconected

So am feeling pretty disconnected with things at the moment. Am definitely feeling very disconnected to my blog at the moment, it feels to overwhelming to try and put alot of the things into words sometimes. I suppose I would always only write once things had really built up and just need to come out.

Work is being a bit shit at the moment and well I just feel even more disconnected from actually wanting to do anything with my role there. Mostly because it has become a bit stagnant and that is out of my control. The one fairly good thing is that I have designed our intranet setup and it has been signed off and should be launched soon - well that is if i get time in my work day to actually perfect it. Not that I'm getting any time for it. But they are apparently kicking a little extra in my paycheck for it. But now they want me to design their full global corporate site and well that scares the shit out of me but could be a good opportunity to advance my skills and broaden myself. But i'm already burning out somewhat.

I've really been trying to turn around the things in my life i'm not happy about and I found a course that was specifically about self management of life with regards alot to living with long term conditions. It has been really hard to keep myself from getting too down about the pain I'm in and how weak I feel at the moment. I had a realization that I really DO NOT like to be perceived. It is very important to make sure that we do not concentrate our energy on how we think other people perceive and start to believe it. Also we must make sure that we control our own perception of ourselves.

Strangely enough the people in the course that i'm taking see me as a very together person that has amazing knowledge and things sorted. Well I must say that yes alot of the stuff on the course I've already looked at and researched etc but obviously I dont have it ALL together if I signed up and took this course. I have realised that I am alot better off then many people and I just amazingly lucky to have such a supportive partner, I know I didnt have one before and so hope that I can keep showing my appreciation for all the little things that mean the world to me. I hope to be much stronger in the future and to always provide just as much support the other way. Of course we dont have everything sorted but it is so good to have a great base and good communication to start with. So compared with the others my home is my sanctury and my protection. I do not have to rage battles (other then in my own head) inside the quiet that is home. This I'm so thankfully for.

But am still feeling disconnected. I feel disconnected with my body because of the pain and the medication that i'm putting into it. Thankfully I've stopped taking the one medication that was seriously disconnecting me from everything. I think this may all still be from that and it will get better the longer I'm off it. BUT am still settling into the other medication so am more sore at the moment. I think the lack of good sleep due to pain isnt helping either.

Am also disconnected from friends that are going through tough times at the moment. I've tried to be a bit influence in a situation/intervention with a friend that has worked thanks to the time and energy and emotion that my mom has put into it and plugging into some of the strong emotions i've been dealing with in regard to it all. She is finally for the first time in 11 years dealing with all the damage that has happened to her and that she has done to herself. It is amazing to hear the battle that she is going through and doing so well. I'm SO proud of her!!! But I still feel like a failure as a best friend for being so far away and so disconnected and so afraid of confrontation.

I'm also so unable to be there for another close friend who has just had to go through the death of her father which is just so scarily close to home and all that. I hope that she is surviving and that it gets easier for her. I wish sometimes that I wasnt so far away from my closest friends.

So other then all that I still have my wonderfully stable and understanding C ...who is my rock and I really dont know what I would do without. and so like my fellow blogger Benny I'm going to keep trying to focus on the positives....

My wonderful bf
Our random trip to another city just for the night to see a band (its a surprise ...so more laters)
Going back to Cape town for a holiday in like 3 and a bit weeks!!
Going to Namibia to best guy mates wedding on the beach !! WHOO HOO
Hanging out with the friends in Namibia and some climbing in Namibia
THE HEAT!! So hopefully not as painful joints!!
Bonus coming in next pay check
Didnt have to go grocery shopping this week because we just had our weekly shop delivered to our door tonight. yay! less hassle for me.
And it is nearly friday and then therefore nearly the weekend!! Double yay.

And that is it for now... going to try keep the happy positive thoughts going. 

Sick and tired

So the weekend in Madrid had its high points and its low points but on a whole was a very cool weekend away. I will def have to write a post about it when i have more time to sit down and add some of my pictures to it as well !

But I was feeling pretty exhausted and not too well for most of it and by the sunday night as I got home and was recieved by HUGE hugs I had no voice and was full on infected!! So come Monday morning I just could not move!! Same with Tuesday!

Since I was starting to feel better I thought I would go into work on the Wednesday for a nice mid week ease back into work...oh no...that was not what Miss Trendy had in mind. I came back to an A4 list of things to do with the title URGENT WEDNESDAY WORK. I mean really - she never once replied to the fact that I was off sick and then didnt even bother to find out if I was well enough to come back to work. That is an insane day back at work and now i'm not feeling any better and maybe perhaps a bit worse.

Oh well - it is Friday tmr and i'm about to leave the office - YAY.

We are doing secret santa at work tmr morning so had to do a bit of rush present buying and wrapping...while still trying to keep it secret. I'm not sure about this whole secret santa thing though. In our company it seems to be about buying tat for you as a joke that is supposed to say something about you. Last year I landed up with 2 gifts...go figure... and one was a usb table lamp in purple and the other was a doll called little miss perfect. The doll seriously disturbed me. I get that the light is all about being designer "cusion placer". But the little miss perfect ...I mean what was that trying to say about me...was it a compliment or an insult? I still dont know and it still bothers me. This is why i'm a little nervous about the gift giving tmr morning. I hope it is something kinda nice.

Horrible Friday

What a horrible horrible horrible horrible horrible horrible horrible horrible horrible horrible horrible horrible horrible horrible horrible horrible horrible horrible HORRIBLE friday!!!!
(I feel a little better after that)

Am now off to the Casino for some free gambling - I hope this makes up for the shit day and doesnt make the day shitter...

Wish me luck

Survey hell continues

But now it is a furniture audit that is doing my head in. Seriously i've now had 2 weeks of surveys and drawings up of surveys! This is just getting too much now!

And to top it all off....I have to go survey another space tomorrow morning ! I mean really - WTF is going on! I hate surveys and i'm not the best at them since i'm kinda dislexic and stuff. There are always measurements that i get messed around.

Anyways have to get back to the planning the audited furniture into the new buildings...

Here is just how much furniture i had to measure and note and photograph and draw up:

Monday craziness

So what is driving me mad today ?? Well the survey that was sending me round the bend last week has now taken the madness a step further.

These are the elevations I now have to draw from the survey... These are the first 4 i've drawn this morning... There are 32 that need to be done by the end of the day !!! I'm already exhausted and no where near finished - now i have food in me.. back to the crazy world of my drawings.