Wednesday, 27 December 2006

My fantasy life

Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Current mood: ecstatic

I have been living the most amazing fantasy life for the past few weeks. In my previous blogs i've been talking about having expectations and all the worry that goes with it that these expectations will not be met etc. Well i was stressing for nothing!!! Things have been great and there have been so many moments when i've had to pinch myself to beleive that i could have found someone so great and who thinks i'm amazing ...I"m riding high on a bubble of hormones and it is fanstatic!

It amazing to just give over to life and live it instead of living it all in your head - hoping for the best and to be living in the moment.

Its great to be spoilt again - it been so long since i've been spoilt by a guy and i'd almost forgotten what it was like and i've been absolutly blown away by the awesome ways, little and great, that i've been spoilt. It can be just being spoilt by an amazing comment or by the awesomly extravegant gift i got for christmas!!! I dont think i've ever been so blown away by a present - not only for the fact that it is the most extravegant gift but also by the fact that the was so much faith in us being together and the throught and time involved in picking it and the involvement of other people in his life.

It has def been the most unforgetable few weeks i've even have and it setting a very high bar for the future which is been forced into sharp focus for me...and so I will be pushing myself out of my comfort zone and out into the big wide world to experience it all and to experience the love that is growing everyday.

I'm falling hard and fast and loving every minute of it ....and the next 3 months better go as fast as possible!

Wednesday, 13 December 2006


Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Current mood: happy
Happy, happy, happy ...sleep diprived but happy :)

Sunday, 10 December 2006


Sunday, December 10, 2006
I am my own worst enemy ...
and that it is - i really dont think i should elabortate on that - maybe another day when i'm not so hungover

Friday, 8 December 2006


Friday, December 08, 2006
Current mood: confused
Category: Blogging

I feel like i've been on a rollercoaster of emotions this week and i know it is only the beginning. The rollercoaster has many more twists and turns on the way.

On Monday it seemed that the hangover from obz fest kicked in and then was helped but ensuing emotions and thoughts of confusion. Sometimes i have no idea what my head or my heart wants, its just a jumble of emotions and feelings, good and bad.

Tuesday involved wanting to break my computer as it crashed at the most inopportune moment! I was pissed, angry, furious and about ready to kill something ...and then i get the most awesome phone call that just sets my mood right up in the clouds and causes me to have the most difficult time falling asleep with all the thoughts flying around my head.
Wednesday was a good but very tiring day which involved an art exhibition and drinks ...note to self : do not wear high heels to graduation exhibition ... landed up walking around bear foot clutching my heels in my hand. But wasnt really fazed as I was surrounded by much stranger, being the art student crowd (including someone in their 20's with grey hair - fake we presume - she also happened someone i knew from way back - freaky) And drinks were highly entertaining due to the musical entertainment of the one man band complete with table dancing to "she bangs" at Quay 4.

But mostly i've just been wrapped up in my own excitement, fear, nervousness, longing for the next week. I have been fluctuating from one extreme to another. Freaking out and fearfull to then being blissfully happy and excited...
Well all I can do is just live in ... Antici .... Pation....

Wednesday, 6 December 2006

Phone calls

Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Current mood: Blissful

Isnt it amazing how a phone call can just make your heart soar leaving your head stuck in the clouds....
That is were I reside at this moment.

Tuesday, 5 December 2006

Letter to a daughter...

Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Current mood: tired
Category: Life

Below I have inserted a letter from my mom which was in comment to my blogs that I have written and I just wanted to share it ...

My Darling Gemma,

Had a look at your pics and read your latest entries. Was going to comment on line, but it sent me off somewhere saying that I had to join up – sorry too much for me today. So here are my comments.

It really saddens me to read what you say – obviously how I brought you up has impacted greatly on who you have become – an extremely complex person. It was my job to teach you what was right and what was wrong and equip you to go out in the world and survive. On one level I seem to have done a good job but on a deeper level I seem to have made you take life far too seriously. You can't go through life feeling guilty for everything and everyone. You are not, to coin the phrase, "your brother's keeper". You need to do what you want to do (as long as it doesn't hurt anyone) whenever, regardless of what anyone says. I never want you to be like your grandmother or like me (for that matter) and put yourself down either because of friends or because of the person you end up living with or married to. Nobody has the right to make you feel this way.
I know you are a perfectionist and perfectionists suffer. Remember nobody, except God, is perfect. Always try and do your best and don't waste the talents God gave you because one day when you are old you will regret this. But don't stress about what you do and how you do it. You are unique and you will do everything in your own unique style. So far I am very proud of everything you have achieved.

And don't bury all your feelings and internalise them. This is what is causing your ulcer. You need to tell people to back off and that includes your family, your friends and your boss.

I feel guilty because I don't seem to have equipped you with enough skills to deal with life. I seemed to have concentrated on giving you the best education possible. Maybe I wasn't dealing with my own life well enough at the time to actually teach you coping skills. For this I apologise and ask your forgiveness.

You have so much to look forward to – the best years of your life still lie ahead of you now that you more or less know who you are and what you stand for.
Please remember to
· live each day to the fullest, if you spend it stressing about things you will miss so much.
· not worry about tomorrow because it may never happen and it is a complete waste of time and emotion. And time you can never get back.
· have faith and believe in yourself regardless of what others say about you or to you.
· be kind to yourself and do things you want to do – not what others want you to do.
· be kind to others but not to the detriment of yourself – remember the saying "what goes around comes around".
· not harbour anger or guilt – it will make you sick and is really not worth it. Trust me I know all about this.
· be comfortable in your skin –after all it is your skin.

Also remember that I am always here for you – don't shut me out of your life. Talk to me about your problems - even if you are going to live far away from me. I will only be a phone call or an ADSL line away from you.

I want you to be happy with the wings you have grown and to fly far and wide and do wonderful things. I want you to be able, at the end of your life, to look back without regret and say that you have made the most of everything and done everything to the best of your abiblity. Don't always live wisely or safely, remember to live passionately – it will carry you through the dark times, and sadly there will always be the odd dark times.

I love you and am immensely proud of who you are and what you stand for - don't compromise and above all be happy and don't forget to dance with the fairies at the bottom of the garden.

Will all my love,

Thursday, 30 November 2006


Thursday, November 30, 2006
Current mood: tired
Category: Blogging

I used to live life trying to not have high expectations for most things - I feel that you tend to always be let down. In the beginning it started off as not wanting to watch movie trailers at all because then you would have an expectation of what the movie is going to be like and will always be slightly disappointed even if it is a great movie. Generally when I have gone to see a movie that I have no idea what it is even about it is always a great surprise and more enjoyable then if I had known what it was going to be.

So i tried to bring this philosophy into my life and tried not to have expectations about events, people or anything in the future. Superficially this does work to some degree, as it is true that one does enjoy random spur of the moment activities or events in life. Like when you go to an ordinary braai that causes you to meet someone new and interesting that starts you on a new path in life.

But it works only up to a point. You could try as hard as you like not to have expectations but then the sneaky little subconscience is always at work setting up those expectations whether you like it or not. I realise now that I will always have high expectations of friends and people in my life. I have trust and faith in them enough to let them into my life so therefore I cant help wanting the best.

When it comes to people I think you need to be able to sort out in your mind who are the people that are going to keep disappointing you and lower those expectations. And then hopefully they will exceed your expectations every now and then.

The other thing is to try not to have too high an expectation for things that are still to happen in your life. Like an up coming event. This is what i battle with most of the time these days - the fact that you are hoping, waiting, anticipating something happening and you have no idea if it is going to be as great as you imagined or if it is going to even happen at all. So all i can do is sit and hope for the best and try not let my fantasies run too wild.

And now for the flipside of the coin...other peoples expectations of you. I feel that people have extremely impossibly high expectations of me. I feel that I always have to live up to these expectations even if it is to the detriment of my own self. But invariably it will still not be good enough and they will have no problem making me feel like absolute shit whether they know that or not.

So how does one live selfishly without being selfish?
How when i believe that each person is responisible for their own happiness am i supposed to be responsible to everyone else?
How so I get things not to effect me so much that i land up with something worse then the stomach ulcer that I have reeking havoc with my insides?
SOmedays I feel i would be very happy on that deserted island with no one else ....

Tuesday, 21 November 2006

Planes and Cellphones

Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Current mood: annoyed
Category: Travel and Places

So i just went on a business trip up to Johannesburg. Of course this means dealing with airports, planes and seriously testing your tolerance when it comes to fellow human beings!
There were many moments to test the above, like being delayed and sitting in the airport or on the runway, or being squished between a guy that reeked of too much fragrance and one that didnt know how to use it at all, leaving my fav jersery in the hire car and being stuck in the boarding area....but the part that i found the most amazing and annoying was the use of cellphones.
Now dont get me wrong - i'm definitely not one of those people that hate cellphones and cant tolerate the use of them in a public space or hate friends or people in my company answering their phone. I'm the complete opposite. I admit that I am one of those people that are addicted to my phone and will not be without it at hand. It is known by my friends that I will always answer my phone as it is with me 24 hours a day and never off.
So now that we have that cleared up I have to say that people are insane when it comes to their phones and flying! They do have the place and time and when you are all being like a herd of turtles, getting on and off of planes it is not the time to be still making calls and playing with your cellphone. Ok so maybe I'm being a bit harsh, but to me once you are on the plane the phone must be off and must remain off until the plane doors are open ...well that what we are told over and over again by the annoying voice coming out to us over the speakers.
But no there are still people who think this must be nonsense so they continue calls once on the plane and are already turning them on as soon as the plane touches the tarmac. I'm am amazed and shocked at people. What is 10 mins to wait until you are out of the plane, I mean it was only 2 hours that the phone was off!
Then to really knock me out of my seat there was a gentleman (to be replaced with a much more appropriate word) sitting a few seats along who while we are taxiing on the runway for take off answers his ringing phone!!! and then leaves it on for the entire flight. And almost 2 minutes later another phone rings somewhere and goes unanswered and then rings again.
So correct me if I"m wrong but in my mind there is a reason for the rules and regulations that make us turn our phones off...i'm sure it isnt just to create trouble for us or to annoy us. Is it not that they create electronic interference and could lead to the planes instruments fucking up and causing us to crash ?!?!
So there i am sitting and thinking of this all as my blood pressure goes up and my ulcer starts to make its presence known and commiting the guys face to memory vowing that if we crash and survive I'm going to seek him out and kill him myself ....
Ok so not that bad - but you are getting the picture of my annoyance!

Tuesday, 14 November 2006


Category: Life
Fear is yet another emotion that rules my life. Why is it that I let this emotion take over and taint my actions. Fear is supposed to be an instinctual reaction for survival. A gut reaction that tells us not to do something. But fear in life is more complex. There is the fear of rejection which i think is a huge contributing factor to many peoples actions. We dont let people into our lifes and hearts because we are afraid that they will at some stage turn around and reject us - this then leads to the fear of inadequacy. For not being good enough. This is an all pervading fear in every aspect of life. The fear that you are not good enough for in your job, for the guy in your life be that a crush or your actual bf/gf, not a good enough friend. As much as I try to step back and tell myself that i'm being a stupid insecure girl about everything - that i am ultimately i very confident easy going fun loving creative person those little doubt always creep back in ...maybe this is why i have a stomach ulcer (well most likely) But then am i just over thinking everything, am i too critical of myself. Here is the problem - i believe that you have to be critical - to questions things in your life and why you do certain things - why you react certain ways, to understand what makes you tick. I need to know that i'm trying to improve myself everyday and to make sure that i'm being all that i can be, to know that i'm with the right person, to know that i'm truely the independent all rounded person.

But the thing with all thins is that it means that I'm rules by my head...but truely as an Aries I'm not...i am rules by my heart, I go with my instinct, i try to live by my intuition and i also believe that that is the only way to live. So how does someone learn to trust the intuition and not to live in all the realms of fear that is ruling the world.

So tonight i only have one more thing to say ...i hope you are enjoying reading the random rambling thoughts from my head.

Thursday, 9 November 2006

The Fog

Thursday, November 09, 2006
Current mood: calm Category: Life

So i have times in my life that i call the fog, where my head is fuzzy and everyday is a mission to get through. I'm not normally one who likes to let on too much about the fog mostly cause it doesnt help to complain but also because of how society does not understand. It all starts with a cold - or lets just say a group of symtoms that could be like a cold. And then i just start feeling tired and achy. And it not just tired, it is exhausted. when you feel like you cant function because you it is such a mission to just move your body and let alone try and even think straight. So what is this about...well i have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. And that is actually just saying that the symtoms and viruses are there but they can really pin point the actually causes.
This all makes for some very frustrating times. Living with the symptoms but having no "reason" for them - well this is what the world likes to think. My reason is well...because it is my life.

So the point of this is to say that i'm feeling quite upbeat this week because as is life, things are in cycles and i feel that i'm coming out of the last fog that i've been in and that is just so exciting to me - days where i can get through work and still have enough engery to do anything else other then crawling up in bed to try and sleep as much as possible only to wake up feeling more tired then when you went to sleep.

I'm even been going to the gym this week which is a serious accomplishment. Almost just wanted to post "i've been gyming" nice and big for future posterity.
So also for the record i just wanted to say that CFS is NOT a mental problem that one can just snap out of. Yes it effects your mental state causing you to feel seriously down and mentally just not able to see your way out of the fog. ...

Ok - so i could go on forever about this... but i wont bore you all. BUT if you are interested then here is a link where there is a whole load of information about it. Just remember that the professionals even still arguing about all the realities of CFS.
The representation below is also gives a good idea at how conplex this is with all the interconnecting problems that one lives with.

Wednesday, 8 November 2006


Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Current mood: indifferent
Alcoholism is the consumption of or preoccupation with alcoholic beverages to the extent that this behavior interferes with the alcoholic's normal personal, family, social, or work life. The chronic alcohol consumption caused by alcoholism can result in psychological and physiological disorders. Alcoholism is one of the world's most costly drug use problems; with the exception of nicotine addiction, alcoholism is more costly to most countries than all other drug use problems combined
Alcoholism is a chronic, often progressive disease. Left untreated, alcoholism can be fatal.
You may continue to abuse alcohol despite serious adverse health, personal, work-related and financial consequences. Alcoholism usually involves physical dependence on alcohol, but genetic, psychological and social factors contribute to the addiction as well.
It's possible to have a problem with alcohol, but not display all the characteristics of alcoholism. This is known as "alcohol abuse," which means you engage in excessive drinking that causes health or social problems, but you aren't dependent on alcohol and haven't fully lost control over the use of alcohol.
Signs and symptoms:

Before treatment or recovery, most people with alcoholism deny that they have a drinking problem.

Other indications of alcoholism and alcohol abuse include:

  • Drinking alone or in secret
  • Being unable to limit the amount of alcohol you drink
  • Not remembering conversations or commitments, sometimes referred to as "blacking out"
  • Making a ritual of having drinks before, with or after dinner and becoming annoyed when this ritual is disturbed or questioned
  • Losing interest in activities and hobbies that used to bring pleasure
  • Feeling a need or compulsion to drink
  • Irritability when your usual drinking time nears, especially if alcohol isn't available
  • Keeping alcohol in unlikely places at home, at work or in the car
  • Gulping drinks, ordering doubles, becoming intoxicated intentionally to feel good or drinking to feel "normal"
  • Having legal problems or problems with relationships, employment or finances
  • Building a tolerance to alcohol so that you need an increasing number of drinks to feel alcohol's effects
  • Experiencing physical withdrawal symptoms — such as nausea, sweating and shaking — if you don't drink

Monday, 6 November 2006

Men are full of bullshit...

Monday, November 06, 2006
Current mood: cynical
I dont know why but every so often I am actually so amazed by the bullshit that men feed woman. I become more and more confused and bewildered that I feel that i'm becoming tainted and jaded for the good guys in my life. I'm becoming hard cause I dont know what to believe anymore. I've been feed so many lines and stories i dont know what is real and what is bullshit anymore!
I have become fasinated by the book, "he's just not that into you". I'm always trying to see if these principles fit into reality - and most times is does. But then i'll have situations that i just cant put such a simple answer to. It doesnt seem so black and white and if it is what is the reality.
Guys have egos and insecurities all at the same time - which makes for some seriously screwed up situations. You bruise their egos and then out come the insecurities and then they lash out and hurt you. Or you bolster up their ego's and then they dont feel so insecure they then think they can come and get that from you at any stage.
So far i'm thinking most males are screwed up, well at least the younger ones that still have all these games to play before they figure out how to just communicate the realities. And i'm not saying that females dont have their fair share of game playing and and general bullshit. But some of it comes from the messed up games that males play! well in my case at least.
So new rule for me ...i'll just stay away from younger immature insecure males from now on. Sorry if this offends any of you males out there - i'm just getting so tired of the complicated mess that males like to make in my life and right now i'm just going to try and lead a nice realitively uncomplicated life where there are no games being played and i'm happy with how thing seems to be heading for me right now.

Friday, 3 November 2006

Grateful Diary no1

Friday, November 03, 2006
Current mood: content
I am happy today because: Its friday and the weekend is apon us
My Grateful diary:
I am grateful,
1. to be alive
2. to have close supportive friendships/relationship with family and friends
3. that i have deep connections with the people in my life
4. that i am feeling more healthy today
5. that i live in a beautiful city
6. that even though it is rainy and cold it means that summer should not be too much of a drought on our beautiful city
7. that i have a job in interior design
8. that i am loved - photos created by light - not computer generated

Thursday, 2 November 2006


Thursday, November 02, 2006
Current mood: pensive

I think that guilt is one of the most overlooked emotions. We see guilt as black and white. If one is guilty then one must have done something wrong. But like most things in life it isnt that simple. Emotions are complex and are perceived differently by each individual.
Guilt is a part of my life everyday. I have no idea how i got to be like this and mostly it isnt for doing anything specific. It can be the slightest thing that makes me feel guilt. It also rules my actions and sometimes it isnt a bad thing. Like when you dont really want to do something for someone or go to a social thing but you feel guilty so you do - in the end it was the right thing to do and it mostly always turns into a good situation. This i think has to do with etiquette - this stuff i got drilled into my head as a child and the guilt keeps me doing the right thing. Guilt keeps me loyal, trust worthy, thourghtful, drug free and out of jail.
But then there are moments when the guilt about not doing things, or doing things, or thinking certain things or saying the wrong thing ...or eating that whole chocolate bar... just gets too much. It becomes anxiety which then festers in ones mind and body, wrecking havoc therein.
Guilt is a fine line and i think i will always have some in my life but I am endevouring to cut the negative guilt out of my life - so if this seems selfish or causes selfish actions then i'm sorry. But one has to rely on oneself for ones own happiness.

Wednesday, 1 November 2006

Who you are...

Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Current mood: listless
If you are quick to take offence, then you'll be under the control of those who find you offensive.
If you are easily angered, then your actions will be dictated by those who anger you.If you are obsessed by what other people think, then you'll be imprisioned by thier thoughts.
If you yearn for easy answers and quick solutions, you'll fall prey to people who offer you nothing but empty promises.If you find the truth hard to bear, you'll be enslaved to those who tell you what you want to hear.
When you have the courage to think for yourself, the strengh to accept what is, the commitment and discipline to make a difference ...then you are free
You are truly free to live with purpose, joy and fulfilment. Let your life be defined, not by reactions to what others say or think, but rather your own unique vision.
Raise your eyes above the pettiness and follow the path of greatness that is within you.
- Compliments of Dury


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